I’ve never been prude about sex or about the number of lovers I’ve had anything. I think it’s important for women to experience as much or as little as they want. But sensual energy is very important to my being. Finding what gives your body pleasure and what doesn’t it’s like opening a whole field of the women’s psyche.
As a mother I know society would rather have moms be domestic. Subservient to the father or male counterpart of the relationship. That the mother should be not too loud not too much.
Especially mothers of girls. It’s like now all of a sudden I am no longer an individual person but only a mother and a mother that needs to act a certain way about sex and sensuality so that my daughter doesn’t pick up on bad habits. That I need to dress a certain way to be respected and taken seriously.
But why does sex have to be a bad habit? My daughters 3 and I’m not at yet in the area of needing to explain matters to her about sex or educate her. However, I’ve thought of her being a teenager and I know already I’m not at all going to be restrictive. I’m not going to act like sex isn’t a thing. I’m not going to tell her she can’t have sex until marriage. It’s not my decision to make about her body. Just like it’s not anyone’s decision to tell a women after giving birth how she should behave.
There are plenty of women who are mothers breaking stereotypes saying they can be still be sexual beings. Amber Rose being the one that mainly comes to mind with her annual Slut Walk campaign. But if I got a dollar for each time I get into an argument with a man about how her walk is enlightening and they instead think she’s just allowing women to be “hoes” without shame or guilt I’d be a millionaire.
The double standard between men and women and acts of sex is so profound it’s a subject I never think will ever be completely healed. Patriarchy killed the sexual woman. It put her into a little nest box that said virginity is the utmost respectful thing you can give a man – that virginity is a gift. That having a low body count means you respect yourself that you respect your body.
I was raised in a Christian household but from an early age I knew that these certain expectations weren’t for me. Why can’t my body be both a temple and mine to make decisions for? Where did the discord happen that women shouldn’t have autonomy over their own bodies?
Is sex really so bad? Or does the notion of a woman being confident in her body and wanting pleasure that offends people into thinking a mother cannot be but one thing.
Friendships are important. Some might even say more important than family. Friendships are people that you choose, you share with, you trust. And what better way to celebrate friendships than having a Friendsgiving chilling with your friends, eating, and showing them how much you appreciate them. Thanksgiving is about giving thanks. Bring grateful. Being appreciative. And just like we are grateful for family we should also be grateful for friendships. Since last year my closest friend has been hosting a vegan Friendsgiving at her house. Last year I brought Sage to the Friendsgiving and oddly I have no pictures from it – but this year I just wanted to hang out with my friends and have a rare but needed time off from mom duties.
I bought a vegan cherry pie from Whole Foods because I had to work all weekend and was being lazy and didn’t want to bake/cook anything. It was really good but next year I’ll probably suck it up and just make something because it was $15. There was vegan or seitan fried “chicken” cheesy vegan scalloped potato’s, vegan macaroni and cheese, and a cucumber- onion-tomato salad. I’ve had cashew cheese macaroni before and it was so rich and filling but so good. I may never do macaroni another way now. And the cucumber salad was very needed because everything else was heavy.
We played uno and jenga. My friends boyfriend has a studio in their house where he makes beats and we attempted (and I use this loosely) to make a beat. We watched big mouth, drank wine. And talked.
I ate my leftovers Sunday morning before I went to work and they were even better than I remembered! I left the macaroni for Sage to eat so hopefully she likes it as much as I did cause that’s how I’ll be making it from now on.
I’m an anti social person I like my me time and my own space more than others. I also can feed off others energy really easily and I get anxiety / stress from situations that can go “bad”. The people I do like to engage with I love them. They are very close and very important to me so Friendsgiving is easily one of my favorite social outings of the year. I like eating, drinking, and being with my friends.
If you’re like me and most of your family lives in a different state or if you have to work on thanksgiving having a Friendsgiving another day than on the actual holiday can allow you to experience the feeling of thanksgiving and celebrate. Everyone needs someone get in the spirit of celebrating who is there and shows up for you.
If you don’t have a Friendsgiving tradition I say start one! Even this year it’s not too late yet!
This mom talk might be a little sensitive to some mommas. Because I’m talking about co-parenting this month. I never thought I would identify as a single mom. Sage’s father was there my whole pregnancy and after for 9 months we did live together and try to make things work. There of course was a limbo period where we didn’t know what we were doing but I think we’re almost (knock on wood) in an okay place. I don’t have set rules or regulations for co-parenting I don’t like confrontation and have a hard time asserting myself. I’m learning to ask for what I want. Whether is a night off to hang out with my friends or just a night off for self-care. At first it was hard for me to ask for help with buying things Sage needed or ask for a break but co-parenting does get easier. I know society has conditioned women to believe their place is at home with their kids and sacrifice sacrifice sacrifice but that doesn’t have to be your reality. You can be happy with your child or children and happy alone having a night off (and this is whether you co-parent or have a husband). Never be afraid to ask for what it is you need as a mother to feel your best mentally and emotionally.
Sage is not yet on a set schedule when it comes to co-parenting but I would like her to be (if any of you co-parenting moms or dads have tips on scheduling let me know). I have had issues with accountability sometimes Sage’s father doesn’t do as much as he should and the responsibility usually falls on me to provide financially. As well as being her primary caretaker (which is why identify as a single mom). But he is there for her he’s her dad and really her best friend they have a bond and when he is around it’s like I don’t exist – so I make things work for her.
However, co-parenting is not about the parents and all about the child. Well, it’s a little about the parents because things need to be worked out and parents need to be on the same understanding when it comes to their child’s needs. But other than that it’s about doing what’s best for the child and not taking things personally when things come up (cause they will). Parenting isn’t a perfect system and co-parenting isn’t either. There is a lot of growth that has to happen with both parents for things to work. Separating your personal relationship from your co-parenting relationship with your child’s other parent is key to making this relationship work.
Co-parenting should be consistent similar rules, discipline, and rewards so your child knows what to expect with both parents this also won’t lead to confusion. Never vent to your child about the parent in a co-parenting situation. Stay focused on your child and less worried about what the other parent is or isn’t doing – however if problems do arise setting a meeting time without children present to talk through issues and resolve them will be beneficial to all involved.
Co-parenting is team work. Approach the relationship in a business like manner and keep conversations focused on your child as to not get past feelings mixed up. Always be respectful in dealing with the other parent and communicate effectively. Request for things instead of demanding and making comments about things that you want to happen but aren’t. And realize that with any relationship a co-parenting one requires work and communication to work effectively. If you and the other parent can stay focused on your child things should run smoothly. Also make big decisions together don’t make them in the spur of the moment then later talk to the other parent about it. Being mindful will go along way in keeping the relationship healthy and unstrained.
Your child’s emotional and mental well-being is more important than any petty thing that can come up in a co-parenting relationship just remember this and keep this in mind and co-parenting might at least feel better when things do come up.
Personally, I do my best to only focus on Sage when it comes to co-parenting as long as she is okay and happy I try not to let a lot of things bother me. If you co-parent and you feel overly stressed in an area whether it’s financially, mentally, emotionally or even in your physical body it may be time to communicate this with your co-parenting partner and come up with a plan to get things more relaxed. I know moms feel the need to do a be all things but we don’t have to anymore it’s okay to help and expect help from the person who helped bring your child into this world. Do not be afraid. And co-parenting gets easier and if it doesn’t take legal measures to get what you need for your child and for you.
I’ve really wanted to start a dialogue of sorts here on my blog and on Instagram where mother’s can discuss certain topics that we all may go through or think through. The first one has to do with my recent vacation girls trip to Cuba. I know there’s a lot of stigma around mother’s having their own lives outside of their children. More often than not mother’s can be looked at as “bad moms” or as selfish in pursuing their own endeavors. Society can be hard on mother’s while also not trying to understand the many mental and emotional battles mother’s go through. Yes, I am a mother but I am also woman and girl. And those other titles have just as many responsibilities to self as mother has to my daughter. When a girl has her period she has her first lesson in what it means to not be in control of what the outside world thinks of her – her body and how she should feel. Well, who knew that this would only get more extreme when a woman becomes a mother.
It is way more acceptable for men to have a life outside of the home. Go out for drinks after work, go on business trips etc. But when a mother does these things its “how do you cope with being away from your children?” or its the judgment “oh, I could never leave my kids for that long”. I know having discussions about these issues isn’t going to make everyone agree or even everyone see these situations differently but I think its time the conversations about these things became more and more common.
I myself had these same judgements and questions come up when I decided to go on this trip to Cuba for a week for my friends birthday. Many family members asked me why I couldn’t shorten the trip. Or they made comments about do you think your daughter will be okay. This of course made me doubt if I should be going on the trip at all. And it did make me worry about my daughters well being even though she was going to be with her father and grandmother for the week. It is always I feel a struggle an inner one an emotional and mental one for me to ask others to take care of or watch Sage if I’m doing something that is personal for me and not time away for work. But I know this struggle is more so a society stigma that I have picked up on. Is a mother a bad mother for having a social life? Is a mother a bad mother for prioritizing a social life? Or time to herself? Is self-care extended to moms?
These are all questions I want to discuss and start a dialogue around. Leave comments or stories here. Leave tips or advice. Or talk about your own struggles with this topic. I want to continue this discussion on my Instagram as well. @motherandspirit_
I look forward to interacting with you all on this topic!